After sitting on the shelves for what seems like an eternity, the Borderlands movie has arrived. And, um, we didn’t know how good we had it, folks.
Eli Roth’s adaptation of the hit 2K franchise – greenlit by Randy Pitchford himself – is a mess. No, wait. Super Mario Bros.: The Movie is a mess. Borderlands is a debacle.
This PG-13 “play it safe” movie betrays not only the nature of the franchise, but also its fans. Despite some interesting moments in casting and storytelling, it’s mostly an example of how not to do a video game film. It’s tedious, it’s over too quickly, and it’s safe. Imagine a Borderlands movie playing it safe. From the director of Clown and Thanksgiving, no less.
It serves as a reminder why people should care about video game adaptations into other media. And makes you realize why Craig Mazin ran away from the whole thing to begin with.
Borderlands’ Story, If You Can Call It That
Lilith (played by Cate Blanchett) is a bounty hunter summoned by Atlas (Edgar Ramirez) to track down his daughter. That turns out to be “Tiny” Tina (Ariana Goldblatt), a young troublemaker working with a soldier named Roland (Kevin Hart…?).
She makes her way to Pandora, where smart-alecky robot Claptrap (voiced by Jack Black) lends a hand. The journey eventually introduces new characters. These include Mad Moxxi (Gina Gershon, gone too quickly), Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis), Krieg and Commander Knoxx (Janina Gavankar).
I would go into further detail with the story, but…there’s very little here. The producers made the horrible stake of condensing this film to under 90 minutes. That’s right, a sprawling franchise like Borderlands gets the movie equivalent of a TV dinner. By the time you give any iota about the characters, they’re gone. Don’t even get me started on what happens to Knoxx.
But it gets worse. The producers also made the decision to make the film PG-13. You’re kidding me. The games were mature-rated affairs loaded with carnage, cursing and madness. Even Moxxi didn’t hold back. Here? Well, a bit of cursing here and there, no “F” bombs, and hardly a hint of carnage. One monster does get blown to bits (well, its back anyway), but…that’s it? It’s like getting a sanitized version approved by Randy Pitchford’s dog.
These two hindrances stop any character development short. You just don’t care about anyone. Even the beloved Claptrap is held back, mostly a “quip machine” where the most entertaining thing is a “scanning” song. We’re serious.
The story is essentially a take on Guardians of the Galaxy, slapped together for the sake of marketing. But the end result is an insult. It betrays the source material while not even being entertaining on a Super Mario Bros.level. It’s just…there.
If you’re curious, it’ll likely be on streaming in a couple of weeks. But, honestly, you’re better off sticking to the games. This just feels like the worst kind of afterthought. Even the action isn’t up to par.
So How’s the Cast?
Another big discussion point with Borderlands is its casting. Had Roth cast someone like Sydney Sweeney or even Anya Taylor-Joy as Lilith, it would’ve added more appeal. But…Cate Blanchett?
She’s an incredible actress, by the way. Just watch TAR and you’ll see. But she slums through Borderlandslike an afterthought, turning Lilith into a careless insulter. It’s not her fault, it’s clearly Roth’s. (And Joe Crombie, who replaced Craig Mazin – no, I’m serious. Craig ran to the hills.)
Then there’s Hart. I love him as a comic actor, but…an action star? Not so much. He does very little with Roland and gives us very little to appreciate. Again, totally not his fault.
The rest? Ehhh. Curtis always has amazing presence and does what she can with Tannis. Black isn’t entirely intolerable as Claptrap, but he should’ve been given R-rated carte blanche. Goldblatt seems perfect as “Tiny” Tina, but heavily restrained. Ramirez and Gavankar are completely wasted in thankless villain roles. (Thank the maker that Handsome Jack got away clean.) And Gershon definitely has the looks and spunk for Moxxi, but has very little opportunity to show it off.
It’s frustrating. You have all these people that could’ve put something into their characters. But they were given little room to do so, what with the awful script and pitifully low run time. The end result allows you to see they’d rather be elsewhere. And soon, you start to feel the same.
The Mutants Should’ve Torn This One Apart
I really wanted to believe in Borderlands. I even noted that the movie could have “so bad, it’s good” potential. But instead, it’s just a manufactured mess. No heart, no soul, just “let’s throw everything on screen and call it Borderlands.” Fans will likely find insult from it, and casual audiences will barely fare much better.
The cast is okay, but often left hanging with poor material. And Roth, alongside Crombie (and not Mazin, who, again, is safe), fail to realize just what made Borderlands work to begin with. Spunk. Spirit. Unlimited capability. Violence. Cursing. None of that is here.
Go see Deadpool & Wolverine instead. It’s R-rated, they care about the fans, and they do a lot with so little. Borderlands can’t even accomplish one of those things. And with Curtis available, no less.
GAMERHUB RATING: 1.5 (out of 5) JOYSTICKS
If you really want to see Borderlands, we suppose you can get tickets here.
